How to Talk About Sex

How People Have Sex Sex and relationships

It’s totally normal to feel shy or nervous when talking about sex- especially with someone new. But being honest and open about it is a big part of having a healthy relationship.

Good communication helps you feel closer to your partner and makes it easier for both of you to understand each other’s likes and boundaries. After all, everyone is different- what feels good to one person might not feel the same to someone else. That’s why it’s important to speak up about what you enjoy, what makes you feel good, and what you’re not comfortable with.

Talking about sex doesn’t just make things more enjoyable- it also helps you take care of your sexual health and builds trust with your partner. The more you practice, the more confident you’ll feel.

Why Should You Talk About Sex with Your Partner?

Better Sex Starts with Good Communication
Everyone feels pleasure in different ways. Even if you or your partner have had some experience, it doesn’t mean you’ll automatically know what the other person enjoys. That’s why having open, honest conversations about what feels good (and what doesn’t) can make sex a lot more enjoyable for both of you.

Not sure what you like yet? That’s okay. You can talk about that too! And exploring your own body (like through masturbation) might help you figure out what feels good.

Stronger Relationships
Talking about sex can bring you closer to your partner. When you’re open about something as personal as sex, it can make it easier to talk about other parts of your relationship too. At first, it might feel awkward, but sharing how you feel is a normal and healthy part of being in a relationship.

Consent Becomes Easier
Feeling safe talking about sex helps with giving and getting consent. Consent means clearly agreeing to do something sexual- like kissing or any kind of sex. Whether you’re in a new relationship or a long-term one, conversations help you both know what’s okay and what isn’t. And remember, even if you said yes before, you can always change your mind. Consent must happen every time.

Safer Sex Together
Safer sex means using things like condoms, birth control, and HIV protection (like PrEP), and getting tested regularly. It shouldn’t just be one person’s job to worry about this- both of you should feel comfortable talking about how to protect each other and your relationship.

How to Start the Conversation

Pick the right time. Wait until you’re both relaxed and not arguing.
Don’t bring it up right before or after sex. Choose a private, calm moment- like during a walk or when hanging out.
Be positive. If you’re already having sex, start with what you like: “It felt amazing when you…”
Not having sex yet? Talk about how much you like being close to them and things you’d like to try that don’t involve full-on sex.
Too nervous for face-to-face? Try texting, calling, or writing a note. But aim to talk in person eventually.

What If They Don’t Want to Talk About It?

They might just feel shy or unsure- give them time and space. Let them know you care and want to talk about this to make the relationship better. But if they get angry or always shut you down, that might be a red flag. A healthy relationship includes respect and open communication.

Tips for Talking About Sex

Take it slow. Start with short conversations and build up.
Be kind. Avoid blaming or criticizing.
Be honest. Share how you feel and what you want.
Listen. Your partner’s thoughts matter too.
Keep talking. What people like can change, so it’s good to check in often.

Talking About What Turns You On

Start by asking them what they enjoy. Then share what excites you:
“I really liked when we…” or “I think it would be fun to try…”

If you both find things you like together- great! Just remember: your partner doesn’t have to say yes to everything. Saying “no” is okay, and should always be respected.

What If You Don’t Like Something?

Think of you and your partner as teammates trying to figure out what feels best.

Start with something positive, then explain what you’d change:
“I know you were trying to turn me on, and I appreciate that. But what really works for me is…”

Try to have these talks before things get heated. It’ll help avoid confusion or hurt feelings.

Try a “Yes, No, Maybe” List

You and your partner can make a list of sexual activities and mark each one:

Yes = You’re into it
No = You’re not okay with it
Maybe = You might be interested

Only do things you both say yes to. Trust and honesty are key, and saying no is always okay- even if you said maybe before.

How to Talk About Safer Sex

Know what matters to you first. If you only want to have sex with a condom- say that. Be honest and clear. It’s not about not trusting your partner- it’s about protecting both of you.

Agree together on who will bring condoms, set up STI tests, or talk to a doctor about birth control. Share the responsibility.

Making Safer Sex a Turn-On

Yes, you can make safer sex sexy! Talk about how it shows care and respect. Feeling safe and valued can make sex even better. Condoms and lube can also be part of your foreplay- get creative and talk about it in a fun way.

Feeling Shy About These Conversations?

That’s totally normal, especially if it’s your first time talking about it. But the more you practice, the easier it’ll get.

Still too uncomfortable to imagine having the talk? That might mean you’re not ready to be sexual with this person- or the relationship might not feel right. That’s okay too.

What If We Like Different Things?

It’s fine to have different preferences. Being compatible means finding things you both enjoy. Not every desire needs to be shared- masturbation is a healthy way to explore your own turn-ons too.

What If One of Us Wants Sex More Than the Other?

People have different sex drives, and they can change over time. If one person wants sex more than the other, it can cause pressure or feelings of rejection.

Talking openly helps you understand each other. If the issue is that sex isn’t enjoyable for one of you, working on that together can help.

Also remember: sex is just one part of being close. There are many other ways to bond and connect.